While my focus in 2014 has been continuing to move forward, onward and upward, I’ve found that this week I encountered a broken step. I can move around the step, skip over the step, or even step gingerly on the edge of the step but know that my progress has been slowed temporarily. The irony is, the step is human and unable to fix itself. I have the tools in my house to fix this step, but I wonder just how much of it is actually my job.
For years, the step has been breaking down…a sliver here, a corner there, a little bit of missing paint, the occasional loud and painful creak. Nothing that stairs don’t encounter as they age. However, this stair has been breaking in the middle, and while I’ve encouraged repair, options for repair, methods of repair, and preemptive strategies to avoid the inevitable break beyond repair, the step isn’t listening, and I’m becoming beyond frustrated.
I maintain several steps in my home and outside of my home, and my job involves working daily with broken and mending steps, so as a carpenter and maintenance step fixer, I do a pretty solid job. However, my broken step maintains only himself and has put all elements of repair on me. I know for sure that it is a repair that can probably be completed with the right and appropriate treatment, but I’m finding that I just don’t have the energy or desire to fix it myself. It makes me very sad and frustrated, but anger and resentment are beginning to build. I can feel my step breaking, or rather being broken, by the already breaking other step/stair. Because of his weakness, my strength is draining away…and I have two children at home to boot.
For about 5 years, the gradual breaking of the step has been addressed. I did my best to dance and live around it, hoping my strength would help the broken step reassert himself and implement his own repair. It has done the exact opposite, and he has become more lethargic and depressed and clingy and manic and very demanding. I finally had scheduled an appointment for the repair process to begin…and agreed to go myself so I could “model” the behavior I wanted to see…and he did not show up. I will not reschedule for him as he chose not to show up, “client did not present for appointment.” That no show was a clear message to me that our mental health was not important to him. He pleads now for me to make another appointment, that he cannot get better if I don’t make his appointment for him…I made the appointment, I stayed at the appointment for an hour, and he did not attend. I met the counselor and discussed some of our issues and my own for that matter… he did not attend. I left refreshed from that session yet heartbroken and disappointed that he did not attend…I will not reschedule. It is now his choice.
So that is where this process is…a stalemate of sorts. My goal is Still to continue moving forward, keep taking forward and upward steps in my life, but no longer feel that I can fix the broken step. Maybe I am heartless, selfish, the cause of the misery and chronic pain…but I have two children to continue raising, they too step around the break and have for years, and we have to keep moving, we have to keep moving.
Tagged: break, broken, daughter, depression, direction, disappointment, friend, frustration, goals, hope, husband, manic, mental health, mother, parent, relationships, sister, spouse, stolen, wife, woman, women