It’s funny…

Image  For the last few days I have wanted to sit down and write, and no matter what I thought my topic could be, I found my writing sounded dull and boring! (no wisecracks from the peanut gallery) I wanted to discuss something I had read, then I wanted to discuss my son and the way he seems to be hitting a brick wall finding employment, maybe discuss that my nephew just got his driver’s license today (fabulous news) but each idea just didn’t flow the way I wanted it to. And with the magic touch to my delete button, my ramblings were no more.

It’s funny that I had such difficulty in writing. Lord knows I can talk a mile a minute and deliberately police myself so as not to cause ear-bleeding when I get on a topic, or even worse, when I get really excited about a topic. I know to slow down, take in how people are reading me, and worse, look for eye rolling.  In trying to write, I found my own eyes rolling at myself, asking what was I talking about and why were the words so erratic, so seemingly disconnected. My words were coming out as if I was reading from a board, unable – to- find – a – way- to – convey – my – thoughts – and not sound like a robot. There was no voice, just words.

And it’s funny isn’t it, how inked words generate a sound and voice all their own; and how in the same breath, badly written words send forth a voice that one would rather not hear at all. That’s how my writing was going along; no fluid, no body, no voice, no sound, no beat, horrible. The words were printed before me but struggled to come off the page in a manner even remotely friendly. I don’t want to be that voice though…

However, I am determined to find my voice, the positive energetic voice, and I vowed to myself when I began this project to not get bogged down in self-loathing, to keep writing even when the words are not perfect or fluid or interesting, to move forward and upward and just keep moving. With each word it feels better, finding myself more relaxed and pushing through the mud clouding my creative mind, feeling in my heart that the cloud will dissipate and my semi-writing skills will return.

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