Took a stroll along the beach in between the clouds and sunshine…spent time with nature, saw some beautiful clouds, enjoyed the sunshine, watched my son & pal play some basketball, and realized that I am so very ready for summer!!
Monthly Archives: May 2014
It’s funny that throughout my entire life I knew that I would become a mother, and I prayed that I would have boys…being a tomboy growing up, I know very little about fluff and frill and cutesy stuff! Well, I got my two boys…we did baseball, soccer, basketball, and football. We skateboarded, roller bladed, did the bmx bike stuff. I raised them strong and independent, encouraging them as often as I could, sharing that I believed they could do anything they set their minds to. As I have said many times, we are rapidly approaching the day when they will pack their bags, pack their truck, and drive out of the driveway. In the meantime, I know they are both working and hoping to jump into full time work as school comes to a close. I knew I would be a mother…I knew that I would move heaven and earth to help my boys become whomever/whatever…I knew that I could encounter long hours and challenges in helping both boys become. I knew we would work on their next chapter together and that only they could close it out.
What I never, in a million years, anticipated was the way my husband would react. I have, for a while now, sensed a growing and overwhelming sense of depression flagging his mind. His behaviours and mood swings seemed to emit a low dull gray blast that would manifest on occasion. As of late, this manifestation has taken up residence in my living room and its victims of choice is my sons…while my husband lays supine on the couch, the mood and mouthpiece blasts away causing chaos and hurt feelings and anger. He rails on and on about the kids, how dare they demand rides home from work…ummm, no licenses? “My mother would NEVER have done this for me” is the standby reason…I say, then let’s take pride in being parents who support our children’s employment opportunities by being the one who picks them up. “It’s stupid, inconsiderate, selfish….” I can go on and on.
I’m really struggling with this…at what point does my loyalty to myself and my children have to make way for this depression. If he wont have it treated or follow through on counseling, is it my job to manage this? I’ve made both kids aware that there is an issue…and I’m not mad at him, just disappointed that this is the route he takes. No self accountability, no acknowledgement that he is out of line, just frustration and anger and accusations flung in our faces about what horrid people we are. He tells me that I am a mean and awful person who deserves everything bad to happen in my life…umm…yea OK. Disappointed and worried about my children.
I’m sorry to vent here…just needed to get it out. No more negativity…this is not onward OR upward…
It’s been a while since I have been able to just sit down, zone out, and write. I sit in a nearly quiet house, my son sitting opposite me also on a laptop, watching a movie while no doubt keeping his Facebook open. We’ve had interesting news on the homefront, jobwise anyway! Robert has gotten a new job making pizza at Pizza Hut…he loves it. This kiddo and food, I can see it playing an integral part in his future. He’s visiting UNH Thompson school, one of which program involves the culinary field I believe. His friends call him Chef Bentley and the kid loves to cook. I can just see it…black pants, chefs jacket, and pans of fabulous food steaming on the top of the line gas stoves and ovens! Fingers crossed!!
As for me, I am moving onward and upward. There was a position I was hoping would come through as part of my stepping up plan for myself this year. It has come to fruition and include a very comfortable raise…the long term goal being that I increase the money into our household leading to a better saving option that eventually passes on to my kids. Whether it’s too afford another round of driver’s ed for Robby, buying another vehicle which we desperately need right now, or taking a random weekend trip somewhere building on to existing memories full of laughter and pictures, I can provide something new in the coming season for my family. I am so happy…and the work is in line with so many of my personal values. It’s a great fit, a great opportunity, and the highlight is that I get to work with my sister. I’m a happy camper.
Part of the best news is that my oldest son has given up his weakness of “smoking” in the hopes of gaining a great employment opportunity. He has been tired of having to pass on positions knowing he could not test clean. He has decided that his life is going to change, he is going to take his next round of steps to make a big step forward. I’m so proud of him, so encouraged by his decision. I know, especially with his group of friends, how difficult this is proving to be for him. I love it, LOVE IT!
And the beat goes on…the smile, my soul, my heartbeat. The keys to my day both moving forward, the keys being my sons, and each taking a new step towards their future. It’s been a wonderful few weeks, so much energy and positivity! I feel so very encouraged, like so many small pieces are finally coming together for my boys, for their lives, and for mine as well!
Happy Maine Mama! 🙂
Some Spring sunshine photos that were the perfect reason to get out of my house and out behind the lens!