It’s funny that throughout my entire life I knew that I would become a mother, and I prayed that I would have boys…being a tomboy growing up, I know very little about fluff and frill and cutesy stuff! Well, I got my two boys…we did baseball, soccer, basketball, and football. We skateboarded, roller bladed, did the bmx bike stuff. I raised them strong and independent, encouraging them as often as I could, sharing that I believed they could do anything they set their minds to. As I have said many times, we are rapidly approaching the day when they will pack their bags, pack their truck, and drive out of the driveway. In the meantime, I know they are both working and hoping to jump into full time work as school comes to a close. I knew I would be a mother…I knew that I would move heaven and earth to help my boys become whomever/whatever…I knew that I could encounter long hours and challenges in helping both boys become. I knew we would work on their next chapter together and that only they could close it out.
What I never, in a million years, anticipated was the way my husband would react. I have, for a while now, sensed a growing and overwhelming sense of depression flagging his mind. His behaviours and mood swings seemed to emit a low dull gray blast that would manifest on occasion. As of late, this manifestation has taken up residence in my living room and its victims of choice is my sons…while my husband lays supine on the couch, the mood and mouthpiece blasts away causing chaos and hurt feelings and anger. He rails on and on about the kids, how dare they demand rides home from work…ummm, no licenses? “My mother would NEVER have done this for me” is the standby reason…I say, then let’s take pride in being parents who support our children’s employment opportunities by being the one who picks them up. “It’s stupid, inconsiderate, selfish….” I can go on and on.
I’m really struggling with this…at what point does my loyalty to myself and my children have to make way for this depression. If he wont have it treated or follow through on counseling, is it my job to manage this? I’ve made both kids aware that there is an issue…and I’m not mad at him, just disappointed that this is the route he takes. No self accountability, no acknowledgement that he is out of line, just frustration and anger and accusations flung in our faces about what horrid people we are. He tells me that I am a mean and awful person who deserves everything bad to happen in my life…umm…yea OK. Disappointed and worried about my children.
I’m sorry to vent here…just needed to get it out. No more negativity…this is not onward OR upward…