Have you ever found that regardless of how many thoughts and ideas you have, your mind feels cloudy and completely out of order? That is me right now.
I’m in the throws of getting well, getting into the next stage of my life, and I find my mind reeling as to what is next. My conversations with any and everyone start off with “So how are you feeling?” The answer is always the same…I feel good today thank you. But the thoughts in my mind are really the elements I want to talk about.
A normal audience doesn’t want to hear that I feel confused about the next chapter in my life…that I am frustrated that my kids are delaying steps into the next chapter of their life…that I am more than my illness and to stop asking me about it…that I need companions and friends to stop by more often to bring me a smile and news of the outside world…that not working is killing me although with my chemo schedule and side effects, I am unable to do so…that I’m frustrated that not being able to work is financially tearing my family down a brick at a time…that I need to move out of where I am living because we cannot afford it but neither can we afford to move…I can’t imagine having most of those conversations with my friends and family so why do I expect them to have the same conversations with me!
My mother taught me how to communicate effectively, to deliver the message in a tone that is acceptable and polite, and to not bring people into the drama when you can speak lightly on topics. And so there it is, I speak lightly and let everyone ask me how I am and answer politely, providing the answer that they need to hear to feel better about seeing me when for a while they have stayed away. And it is me going to them, ALWAYS … though they pass my driveway daily in both directions. I guess I am angry as I write this and understand my frustration a little better… there are so many things I want for my children and for myself, knowing that while I am currently out of commission in a sense, there are still many responsibilities my life demands.
Is that it then…that my cloudy and muddled brain is simply angry, frustrated, and tired of being something and someone I cannot be right now? Is that a realistic assessment? Can I expect that at some point this is going to lift? Do I need a counselor as a friend suggested to help me sort this out?Cloudy…muddled…
After spending much time on my “Healing Journey” I came to the conclusion that the story and information I was sharing was not actually what I wanted to say, so that project is going to be totally revamped at some point and shared at a later date. Bits and pieces of that initial story will be shared in the new version but in the meantime, I’m just coming back to write, share, and hear from friends whose voices I have missed.
When I say no more excuses, it’s me that I am speaking too, trying to will myself back to the point where writing each day becomes part of my regular routine. My mind flies constantly from idea to idea, thought to thought, and needs some decluttering from big to little. And so it is that after months of absence, I am taking back my WordPress space and reclaiming my online oasis.
My first bunch of thoughts involve where I am in my process just to update anyone who has been keeping track. Today finds me more than halfway through my chemotherapy process, with 5 down and 3 to go. After the final treatment, I am escaping to Florida to spend a month with my mother who lives in Daytona Beach for some much needed sunshine therapy and R & R. It is just me going … it will be the first time I have ever been away from my husband and boys for an extended period of time.
There is a piece of me that already feels an element of guilt as our winter to this point has been brutal. In the same breath, I need the sunshine, the warmth of the sand under my feet, and the power of a new environment to strengthen my soul and reinvigorate my spirit. I worry that while I am gone roadblocks will erupt and cause drama that I won’t be here to resolve, especially with my sons. They are older and I have raised them well, but I feel that my comfort and presence is what assists them in making better and more informed choices…and I won’t be here to provide that. I worry that somehow makes me a bad mother, that I am being selfish in getting away. But…I am still going as my ticket has already been purchased.
It’s ironic that having come through the cancer surgery and now finding myself almost having completed chemotherapy that it is still not my own best needs I am looking out for. My life, aside from no longer working full time or at all for that matter, has not changed dramatically. I still do as much of the housework as possible…I still maintain the strong personality when drama or a crisis arises…I still put the needs of them all over the needs of myself. Even on my exhausted and challenging days I fight to maintain the stability in their world. It’s a mom thing I assume, the need to ensure the well being of the boys and household above that of myself.