Have you ever found that regardless of how many thoughts and ideas you have, your mind feels cloudy and completely out of order? That is me right now.
I’m in the throws of getting well, getting into the next stage of my life, and I find my mind reeling as to what is next. My conversations with any and everyone start off with “So how are you feeling?” The answer is always the same…I feel good today thank you. But the thoughts in my mind are really the elements I want to talk about.
A normal audience doesn’t want to hear that I feel confused about the next chapter in my life…that I am frustrated that my kids are delaying steps into the next chapter of their life…that I am more than my illness and to stop asking me about it…that I need companions and friends to stop by more often to bring me a smile and news of the outside world…that not working is killing me although with my chemo schedule and side effects, I am unable to do so…that I’m frustrated that not being able to work is financially tearing my family down a brick at a time…that I need to move out of where I am living because we cannot afford it but neither can we afford to move…I can’t imagine having most of those conversations with my friends and family so why do I expect them to have the same conversations with me!
My mother taught me how to communicate effectively, to deliver the message in a tone that is acceptable and polite, and to not bring people into the drama when you can speak lightly on topics. And so there it is, I speak lightly and let everyone ask me how I am and answer politely, providing the answer that they need to hear to feel better about seeing me when for a while they have stayed away. And it is me going to them, ALWAYS … though they pass my driveway daily in both directions. I guess I am angry as I write this and understand my frustration a little better… there are so many things I want for my children and for myself, knowing that while I am currently out of commission in a sense, there are still many responsibilities my life demands.
Is that it then…that my cloudy and muddled brain is simply angry, frustrated, and tired of being something and someone I cannot be right now? Is that a realistic assessment? Can I expect that at some point this is going to lift? Do I need a counselor as a friend suggested to help me sort this out?Cloudy…muddled…