As I am going through this process, I keep feeling my life beginning to change. Perspective seems to be changing for me, as though elements of my life I have felt to be crucial are no longer as important to me. All I want is to spend every free moment with my family, to hear them laugh and see their smiles, to watch my sons and nieces grow up, to crack inside jokes with my sister, and to spend time with my aging parents. I no longer care about work, which is horrible considering my insurance is through my work, though soon, my husband’s new position will be taking care of my insurance. There is much weight being lifted from my shoulders.
What I have also come to realize is that life is too short to spend doing what does not make me happy. I stare out the windows of the office on sunny days willing my day to move more quickly so that like a sunflower, I can turn my face to the warmth of the sun. I spend the entire day on the computer and the telephone, and while I am good at it, I’m not happy there. I am creative and have no creative outlet at work…I’m not complaining just making a statement. I have a great job, and am blessed to have one, but right now, my heart just isn’t in it. There has to be something, some way, that I can reengage in my life and have it supply money as well… where my heart comes through in a manner which allows success as well as some measure of financial income. I’m not shirking my responsibilities but keeping an open mind, much more open, on opportunities. My someday promises need to become today… time to make it happen!
In regard to my most recent testing, I did learn that I am not a carrier for the genetic anomoly referred to as BRCA… this means I am less likely to have a recurrence with this cancer, and more importantly, my boys and their lineage will not have to worry about this gene, at least not from our side of the family. That being said, that reopens the debate of removing one breast instead of two. My husband keeps saying, “Are you sure you want to remove both?” I don’t want to remove one, let alone two …. it’s a very scary thought no matter how you look at it. Major surgery is never a small task and now that I am no longer “young” it is even more daunting.
But I am sticking with a full mastectomy, and at some point in the future, having both breasts replaced. I learned, and may have mentioned, that as a smoker, I need to be tobacco free for 6-10 weeks before they will even consider reconstruction. Good lord … like overcoming this cancer is not enough, I now need to stop smoking as well? Don’t people know that smoking is tough to quit? Why did they wait until now, just before I have wrapped my head around this surgery to tell me? Doesn’t two surgeries seem more daunting and dangerous than just one? I know the argument…infection, skin breakdown, unhealthy skin trying to encompass new material. I get it , I truly do … it is no less daunting though knowing that there is another surgery to follow, to be healed and then start again, more recovery time, more missed time from work (another reason I need to work for myself.)
The good news, as I have stated is that my mother will be here, and because she will be here, my father will hover around my household as well. She will be the love and healing, he will be the strength. I am so blessed. I know that now more than ever. My sister will be the entertainment, my children the questioning expressions trying hard to not see a weakened mother, my youngest niece hoping to play nurse to her “best friend” as she recently described me, my older niece kind of hanging back, and my brother in law coming in and cracking jokes. What a great group of people to be surrounded by while recovering from major surgery … it will be a long process but one filled with so much love and adoration. I couldn’t ask for a better recovery team to be in my corner!
What I do know is that my onward and upward path has not dissipated but rather provided a rocky terrain. I’ve got to strap on my boots, trust myself and my balance, and move forward. Even careful steps are steps forward. I will not be slowed or discouraged. I will follow this path from beginning to end, growing more balanced and steady, more trusting in my ability and inner strength, learning more from guiding forces than the occasional obstacles that lay ahead of me. I feel encouraged by what I am learning about myself, feeling more confident about my path, and more positive with each step that my path has taken me to where I need to be in my life. I’m not always a Me First kind of person … and for the first time in a long time, I am wondering why I haven’t shown myself the kind of love and attention I show everyone else. Would my path have slowed if I had paid better attention? Could I have done something different? Regardless of those answers, the past is just that, past, gone, unable to be changed. What I can do moving forward is pay better attention, take better care of myself, and watch over myself as I do those I love. Having to pay better attention has forced me to slow down, reevaluate where I am in life, take in my blessings, and really begin setting priorities. I would not change a thing… one of those blessings in disguise kind of things!