Did it bring her peace?

I had to comment today on FB in response to a rude comment…difficult as I don’t really respond to anything negative, EVER. I feel that my positive voice and energy represent who and where I am, how I want to be seen, what I want to be about.

The woman stated that she has to laugh, so much fake shit on FB, but that it’s better she keep her mouth closed. Normally, I would jump over that and keep going. Today however, it almost immediately followed my post about spending time with my family and feeling blessed for so much goodness in my life. She is an EX of my father’s and the comment related specifically to him. Whether the timing was coincidence or not, it hit me wrong and I responded with a post of my own.

“I usually say nothing…but today, if you can’t say something nice on FB leave it unsaid. Our lives are filled with enough challenges without hurtful words or innuendos or indirect insults. Words are forever.At the end of the day, will those words have achieved anything? And does saying those words really make a huge difference? In inflicting or hinting hurtful words, does your world level out and is your soul filled with peace and serenity? Just something to think about… Rant over!”

I worried that this voice would attract a bad response, and almost didn’t post it. My words had just the opposite effect. So in the end, I still wonder if her comment brought her peace and did it achieve its desired goal? Did it make someone feel bad or stupid, or did it just reflect badly on her that she would take the time to post something mean? And why post it at all…what’s the goal? Was her Buddha in the corner with his arm raised in solidarity? Did serenity and peace and calm overtake her spirit?

I’m not sure just why it is that this stupid comment bothered me so much today. It’s been quite a year for me, and I was always able to stay positive and upbeat. I had a couple moments of frustration but never anything of that I would have posted or shared. I feel like social media just isn’t the place for any of that…I caution my own sons about words and their eternal and piercing power once sent out to the universe.  I wonder if maybe it was me overreacting … and then I think no I did not. Did my rant bring me peace? I think it did in so much as my words were approved of by several of my friends, that they were taken as wisdom or strength vs just being mean. And the message here is simple, like our mother’s taught us…if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.

Definition Defined

Definition Defined.

The Wonders of Wandering

As I begin the next chapter of my life, in an effort to resume a sense of normality, I find the need to create something fresh and new. I can say it is selfishly just for myself, just a place to locate and situate and direct what I hope becomes a travel journal of some kind. My last post involved admitting that returning to work has various purposes, the biggest being the buy myself an RV of some kind …. a new camera … maybe even a new laptop though I admit, I love the one I am using right now. There are so many approaches to how I can complete the journal … writing, photos, utilizing new gadgets and speaking to/ tagging the product company or website or online advertisements. Or, it can be just another page for myself with a handful of followers. Clearly, there is still much planning to do and details to be defined and implemented.

That being said, my head reels as I think of the potential wonders of wandering. The Wonders of Wandering will be the home of my new site, assuming the title/site has not already been claimed here on WordPress. I can hope only that some of you will come with me…share my stories, share your own, and enjoy what is being shared.

Back on the horse… back in the saddle

Having roped up the old pony and saddle a few months ago, I’m excited that it’s time to get back on the horse and get back to normal life. With just a few radiation treatments remaining, I’ve spent the last two evenings sending out my resume like a maniac/Maine-iac! Just imagine, a phone call of interest…arranging the meeting…starting another new chapter in my life…daunting in a sense yet totally exciting to me.

I have a plan this time, goals and savings and all … yes, I should have done this sooner and been more adult but my bills are always paid even if my refrigerator isn’t always full. Goal … an RV of some size… within the next five years bought and paid for in full in order to take my aging father on one last wild adventure in the RV to anywhere he wants to go. I keep reviewing all these cool places and cool ideas…the thought of this trip with Dad and my sister makes me totally excited, reminds me just how alive my heart and spirit are and have been, and how shocked my father will be when I kidnap him out of the blue!

Maybe I’m crazy…maybe wandering will become my new way of life…maybe I’ve always wandered in a sense and am just realizing it. Either way, my perspective has changed throughout this whole ordeal and the only reason I’m jumping back into the rat race, getting back in the saddle, rejoining the grown up world, is to ultimately satisfy my need to roam in an RV, take pictures, write about it, and give Dad the shock of his life with this unlimited adventure on my dime. It’s realistic right? I’m not totally mental! LOL

For too long, I have been away from the adult world of stop and go, work and play. It’s not who I am. Before, I worked because it was the right thing to do, the grown up thing to…bills have to be paid. That was it … no other goals… no hopes or dreams that it would result in anything more. It’s sad when I think about it … I rarely even shopped. My kids had the necessities and it always seemed enough but it wasn’t, ISN’T! I need this adventure as much as my father does … maybe more I am starting to think as I put it into writing. And my kids and my life deserve more … we haven’t had a family vacation in a long time … how wrong is that. So let’s throw that in there too… an awesome family escape to somewhere, camping even if close by or preferably somewhere like Yellowstone or Big Bear or Stone Mountain.

It’s symbolic I guess as I’m reading through/along … to be the wandering cowgirl/mama/daughter I have to do the grown up thing and get back on the pony and out onto the range and in the field. It’s the only way not only to host the adventure my heart and spirit needs but to fulfill some missed adventures and experiences for my family. Close by, far away doesnt matter so long as it is concentrated time together that we can afford. Giddy up!

Flip-Flops for my kids

I had to share the work of my talented friend! Her cards make me smile as do her personal messages. Please give Ms. Honeybeelane a visit!

In Your Light

I have to share this lovely image and sentiment. Just the perfect message for today!

Await

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Throw back…

I have to admit, I’ve committed to a throw back. That’s right, actual paper and pen…a new journal for this lady. I find that keeping my laptop with me for all ideas and random thoughts doesn’t really work out, and I’m not dedicated enough most nights to stay up this late writing. On tumultuous weekends, like this one, it’s easier to just pull out my little journal and take a written escape or create a rant or just jot down my thoughts. I’m a lightweight when it comes to this journaling, and certainly don’t want anything negative online…I keep those thoughts completely to myself, in the journal. Not that it’s a negative thing to talk or write honestly but rather that my drama is just that, my own.

I admit that I’m finishing one journal before I begin the new one, at least that is the plan. The new journal is for my Florida trip, my getaway, my sunshine therapy…though I am itching to write in it. I need to get to Staples and get some fun pens, and by fun I mean gel pens. I’m silly like that…always wanting the new paper to have new pens. Or maybe, if I’m lucky, find a really fun color…that would be fantastic. I used to have a quill style pen that wrote in a lovely shade of purpley blue…that sounds so girly but it was the most gentle color, so friendly and soft, comforting like a pale blue sky. I ran out of ink for it years ago and was never able to find a pen to its equal. But I will find something!

So while I have been absent here online for a bit, I’m still writing. It’s the throwback type of writing though, looking inward while letting it all flow onto paper. It reminds me what it is I love about writing…the feel of the paper, the ink, handwriting. It’s what brought me to literature and writing to begin with, taking me back to my roots and a love I found as a child. Old school…maybe. Throw back…for sure. But first love…absolutely!

Creative Bloggers Award!!

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I am extremely flattered to have received this award from SendSunshine who reminds me often that my small voice in this universe has value, strength and beauty. What would we do without her amazing site… she is the sunshine towards which I turn my face!

 

 

 

My silver lining…

So many times, people have said “Every cloud has a silver lining” and yet, being a bit cynical, it was easy for me to shake it off and think, “yes, I have heard that before.” I didn’t always listen, but I always tried to see the other person’s point of view, even just briefly. You know, sometimes you get something in your mind and just can’t get around it, regardless of all the good intentioned advice. Today however, the most amazing silver lining showed itself in glorious color to me, and I am on cloud nine!

During my cancering process, I have continued to believe that with all this drama there is something out there bigger than my illness. I’ve gotten through surgery, I am almost done with chemotherapy, my hair is beginning to grow back however slowly, and after a trip to Florida I still have 36 sessions of radiation. There will still be doctor appointments and blood tests and a PET/CAT scan or two, not to mention regular checkups…and of course, the implants to replace “the girls” who left my body in November. Sigh…that sounds like so much. But still, there has to be something bigger. There has to be something more than just this illness and the affiliated appointments and office visits. More than just surgery and chemo and radiation treatments. Something bigger…

I’ve been a great patient, staying hopeful and positive and full of good energy. I’ve allowed my family to stress while I stayed calm and took care of as much as I could by myself. I’ve kept our lives as close to normal around my recovery and treatments as possible. I don’t press anyone for feelings or questions, and provide as much honest and open communication as I can, to allay any worries. And I still answer, “I’m doing well, feeling good, feeling stronger every day” to the ever present “How are you feeling” questions. I’m just not the down and out kind of girl, and though I have had some discouraging moments, I’ve kept my eye on the prize of something bigger. I know and have stated to many that there has to be something bigger, that something positive has to come out of all this.

I’ve learned that giving back has to be part of my recovery process. As someone who has worked nearly every day of my life since I was 13 (I’m 43 so it’s been quite some time), I was feeling lost at being taken down by related fatigue causing me to give my notice at work. I became panicked and stressed as soon as I made that decision, wondering how our household would continue to run and if I had made a mistake. Was it too late not to get done at work? Should I and could I just bite the bullet and fight through what I was feeling…would I heal correctly if I didn’t respect the messages my body was sending…what had I done by making this decision…

And then my doctor told me about the various foundations specific to breast cancer designed to help families in my situation. Two programs stepped up to provide financial assistance… “rent and power bill covered my dear, no worries.” I have a hard time asking for help, so along with Thank You notes, I let both programs know that I love to write and take pictures, that I’m great at networking, and would be happy to provide assistance with any fundraising projects. I wanted to give back to these programs for the kindness shown to me and my family, and also knew that there were others that my foundation work would provide assistance to. Both programs thanked me for volunteering politely, but I wondered if they took my offer seriously ….

Today was the day. One program, MyBreastCancerSupport, sent me an email and asked me to speak at an event and fundraiser in August, to be an advocate for the program and more importantly, for patients like me. It will be an opportunity to speak to survivors, donors, and patients (or so I hope) … to share an element of my story, to thank the organization for their kindness, and to stress the importance of programs like this one. It sounds like a sales pitch, I get it, but the world needs groups like this; patients need groups like this; and as a recipient, it’s my job to make sure others, and many are worse off than I am, get the same information and connection and charity that I received. I’m so honored to have been invited to speak, so excited, and so looking forward to celebrating my process, my story, and my overcoming. I’m going to celebrate with many others who saw something bigger than this illness. Elated might be a better word…giving back, finally!

In a world where negative news seems to pervade and surround our lives, it’s easy to question humanity. It has been rediscovered and is absolutely beautiful … the kindness, compassion and empathy I have received from friends and family and now a group of total strangers has left me speechless. It is my turn now to remind another spirit, to awaken a light in someone new, and to be a part of a program that is part of that beauty. My silver lining is stunning, shining so brightly that it’s brilliance takes my breath away!!

Polite Brush-off…

In today’s politically correct world, where truth has to be carefully worded and spoken to avoid, I mean let’s admit it, hurting feelings, it’s very difficult to be clear and direct. I make every attempt to provide a clear but polite brush-off, when boundaries are being crossed, especially those of someone I’m very close to, my son.

It seems, the more I come in contact with the younger kids, that the relationships are all so desperate, for lack of a better word. It’s a clingy, constant texting, unlimited access via phone and computer, constant photographing of the young couple, posting of various “I wish our love was like….” and choose appropriate photo or comic. And then, once all those posts and song lyrics for the first hour are used up and awaiting approval, response, likes, comments, and lovey responses, it’s time to find new posts and movies and messages and comics/photos. It has to be exhausting! That’s a lot of work for a first time relationship or high school romance. I believe in happy endings, don’t get me wrong…but those messages just wear me out, just reading them or seeing them. Desperate…clingy…needy…dependent…

But back to the brushoff…my son is in his first real relationship. And it is long distance to boot which makes it even harder. Like all young couples, there are multiple FB posts, song lyrics, etc and all day/all night texting…and she texts my phone as well. Right now, she is feeling ignored and from a female perspective, I know that feeling and can empathize. As Mike’s Mom, I can’t disclose the details she so desperately wants to hear from me…clearly, loyalty is to the boy first. He is currently going through something right now…he looks a mess and seems to have no energy or desire to make the effort to look any better. He is quiet and keeps to himself…we don’t talk as often as we did a while ago…he sleeps for long stretches of times and naps whenever he can catch a free moment. He ignores the intimate details and focuses on xbox where he can disconnect from the thoughts and demands swimming through his head. I can see it…I don’t have to press for those details as they are physically written all over his appearance.  And then her text comes….again.

I politely say he seems to be going through something, but stay positive and talk to him directly. Be open. Ask if you can help. He’s working on his license, fixing up his truck (which has been a huge project), looking for a better and full time job (sort of). He is trying to buy her plane tickets so she can come home to Maine and they can be together. He’s 20…it’s a handful to manage. But she needs to talk to him…be straight with him…call a spade a spade (which I told her) as she is giving up her own home and vehicle, her family, the town and world she has known her entire life.

And still more texts come…again I respond with You really need to speak to him yourself, not to me. I don’t have the answers she is looking for, he hasn’t talked to me but I know him just based on who he is. That’s a very clear message in my mind…talk to him directly…I don’t think there are any mixed signals or miscommunicated ideas. Is there a more polite brush-off to avoid getting myself out of this conversation?