It’s time!

That’s right, I said it…It’s time to get back on the horse and get back to what I love the most. I had no idea, well maybe I did, that it had been so long since I took time to write and catch up, to share thoughts and goals once again. But so much has changed.

Let’s quickly catch up. When I originally began this blog, both sons were approaching 18, the crossroads not just for them but also for me. They are both in their 20’s now…my oldest son is about to become Dad to baby #3 in November. My youngest is lounging in his own place and working in a kitchen close to home. Both sons have developed a love of cooking and been working for years now as cooks, suisse chefs, grill cooks, kitchen/food prep. It has been a joy and as the mom, not only am I super proud but have been able to eat very well!

My last post came to you from Charleston SC where I was going to college while working at that college. Getting fired and a car crash later, I tucked tail and move to FL, to the safety of my mom’s house for a stretch. I am happy to report that I quickly got my own place, a car, and job…note the word job, not career. While I get to work remotely, the hours resemble those kept by a vampire and sleep is a battle, never mind overcoming COVID restrictions and a lack of social interactions. It has been difficult, I must admit, to make all of these changes at the same time, and still try to keep my chin up alone and far from home. I desperately miss the fam!

This all being said, I’m trying to step outside my comfort zone, think outside the box, and get up the courage to try something new. And by new, I mean actually get out there to travel, write, and photograph like I used to. It may mean that I do all of this on my days off…or at the crack of dawn when I can catch a rising sun over the Atlantic, but I need to do it. I’m making my “self challenge” public and expect everyone to hold me accountable. Hardest part…getting up in the mornings to make it happen. Even harder, admitting to an overwhelming sense of defeat lately. Harder still, getting out of my head and sharing my writing…but a new blog/story is coming, and I will post as soon as it is up and running.

So there you have it. It was time to admit my absence. To own the choices and mistakes I have made. Admit to the failures I am currently struggling to overcome. And to put myself out there again, as in the older days of my better, stronger, and more glorious writing. I know sharing can be a fear that many of us share. I lost a battle but I can still win the war. In the meantime, it felt really good to write all of this down, to share the changes, and to remind myself that I do enjoy writing more than anything else.

Any tips on dedication are of course appreciated!

Thank you — K

New beginnings…

I know, I have been out of the loop for a bit, determining my next steps while getting back to work, recovering, moving, and getting back to society’s definition of normal. Normal, yeah we can go with that for now. But for me, normal has a new definition and it is not dictated by anyone but me.

That may sound selfish, and on occasion, I can deal with that definition but before judging, let me explain. I spent my life always doing the right thing, being the right person, burying my needs and desires and dreams to accommodate many around me. My reward was breast cancer…hey thanks! Ironically, it was the best thing that has happened in recent history, truly a blessing in disguise. I was forced to take inventory of my little world, eliminate the clutter, and with my heart on my sleeve fight for my own survival, literally and metaphorically speaking.

What I discovered is that I am much stronger than I give myself credit for, that my world is full of love and kindness and encouragement, that my dreams and passion have as prominent a place as my family. I’ve learned I can have what I want, a balance, and that my life is full of new beginnings.

A year ago I was recovering from a bilateral mastectomy, awaiting chemotherapy and radiation. I was weak on all levels and tired of fighting the day to day battles. I felt discouraged and frustrated with my life…as though my momentum had come to a screeching halt and Stuck was my new address. This year I am cancer free with it all behind me. On Monday Nov. 30th I begin a new career as a college admissions counselor while pursuing my business degree with a focus on small business management. In 90 days my classes will be free as will degrees for my sons and husband should they choose to utilize my benefits. I have connected with women business owners who are also breast cancer survivors. I have spoken at breast cancer fundraisers. My ultimate goal is to utilize my business degree to assist women in starting their own businesses, especially other survivors. How amazing is it that becoming sick would be the most healing experience of my life!!!

Everyone reaches a point where dreams and goals and passion take hold to morph into new beginnings. I admire those who find and capture it early on. I respect those who take a circuitous route. I admire those who are baptized by fire and illness and find it, embrace it, and follow it through illness and survival. When it is finally discovered, regardless of the path, I admire the pilgrim and the journey. For me, I have seen my path off in the distance for years, always feeling it to be just out of reach, making excuses and putting others needs and wants and desires and demands ahead of my own. Those paths have all converged…my new motto is get onboard or get out of my way. Again, as someone who for years always made way, it feels selfish but wonderful and liberating. We can all walk our paths together but separately…

So there it is, my new beginning shining before me…new career, new schooling, new opportunities, continued connection with the pink cancer web and my sister survivors and fighters. My future is so bright,  so beautiful. I am moved by the experiences that brought me here, by the love and support and encouragement, by the family and friends that stand resolutely in my corner, by the pink web that embraces and inspires me. My new beginnings bring me such joy, such sunshine, such hope.

The Healing Journey … Chapter 7

As I continue this journey and bide my time until surgery day, which is just 8 days away, I find myself still wondering about where this journey is taking me. For whatever reason, I am finding myself surrounded by women crossing into life coaching professions. One woman is utlizing her career planning and development background to begin a career in life coaching. Her strength will be that transition phase for people of all ages and helping those in need discover a course and path that best serves their personal and professional goals. Another young woman was blessed that her employer saw fit to provide wellness coach training to integrate with her role as a charge nurse. As she is an avid health buff and healthy eater, this wellness training and coaching opportunity is a perfect fit in her existing career path and a natural progression. The third woman, ironically, is my general practioner who is learning about finding the authentic self through personal and spiritual guidance. It’s fascinating that in such a short time, all three of these women have come into my life. And more than fascinating but encouraging, as I am a firm believer that surrounding onself with empowered women benefits not only personal goals but professional ones as well.

I have asked them all about their schooling and certifications, how they are planning to integrate their learning into their work places, and whether or not they will be utilizing these skills on a full or part time basis. For the two in the medical field, they truly believe that soon, life coaching will be a service covered by medical/health insurance as the price of coaching can be expensive and at the same time, it’s value is equal to that of therapy. Therapy has much value to those truly vested in it, but when one is looking for an expedient path or a path not psychologically based, working with a life coach is an excellent alternative. Case in point is the work being done by the woman in the career development path…this is simply utilizing existing skills that someone has, taking aptitude tests so as to see where the person’s skills lie, and embracing all that information to build a career path and/or destination through schooling and work.

Based on my own assessment of all this information, and my belief in today’s women needing a strong base and group of resources to pull from, I can stand firm in knowing this field has been brought to me for a reason. I have always wanted to provide a foundation type program to women in my area, providing connections and networks and opportunities for these women to become a part of in order to better their own lives. I am well connected in the staffing world, well connected with area employers, am comfortable talking with people individually and in groups, and believe my life experience has something more to offer than just my day to day data entry type work. That being said, I know that my journey is not only driving me to further my writing and photography, but to become involved in coaching.

I’ve begun looking into different coaching programs, different opportunities in the area, trying to determine if I need a formal degree in counseling to lend credibility to coaching, who my audience would be, and how I might connect with that network. As an avid reader, listening to the voices of strong women whose words have inspired and empowered me so many times, I believe that those words should not be spoken in vain. I know that those voices are all but yelling at me right now, telling me to listen to that inner voice and trust what it is saying, what feelings it is sending to my brain, and to follow in the direction I am walking. Through my news about breast cancer, it is as if my priorities lined right up, and long locked doors are opening before me as if they have always been open. It’s a staggering and empowering message of hope, dreams, and goals finally being attained.

A Traveling I Need To Go…

Each day, one of my most exciting things to do is sit down and read the travel journals and blogs of folks traveling around. My eyes drink in the photos and my heart envelops the words…I reach across the vast web and visit along with those writers. I hear the waters, hear the birds, smell the flowers, taste the exotic foods, feel the warmth of a campfire, and laugh when what could have been a catastrophe becomes the perfect travel tale. I love that you share so much of yourself…wishing desperately that my tent or car or RV was parked right beside yours! And then I wonder first, how does one afford such an amazing expedition? How much will it cost to do this type of journey? Do the writers travel in cars, RV’s, on planes – a little bit of each? Do the writers and photographers camp out? Stay in hotels? Or, my perfect version, “camp” in an RV? Does each adventure have a theme or is it more of a fly by the seat of your pants approach? And again, how much? (I tend to ask to many questions, do too much planning and research…bear with me)

I could and would gladly pick up and go off on a wild travel adventure…I would love to visit the northwest coast of this country. I’ve seen the East Coast, traveled across the southern US through AL, TX, up into New Mexico. I’ve been to Vegas and California (Disneyland only) and lived in both Hawaii and Las Vegas. I’ve been across the US through Colorado (Aspen is just beautiful), through parts of the Rockie Mountains, Iowa, Illionois, Indiana, Ohio, New York and back country roads bringing me home to Maine. When I say it like that, I have been more places than I realized..but I didn’t actually spend time there, just drove through. The kiddos were little and my budget even smaller!

So I ask the travel writers and photographers out there…how does one plan for an adventure of this sort? I’m ready and willing, happy to save and make the most of it. I have various friends who would gladly make space for me on there couch for a night…I’m not a fan of tents, don’t intend to fly due to cost. Or maybe I bring a tent and face my fear…I just don’t want to cozy up to snakes…that’s why it freaks me out!

 

And the Beat Goes On…

 Yesterday was a whirlwind for all intents and purposes from the word go…from having to drive in on a spare tire (aka Donut) to too many people in my office and to finally a phone call that has the potential to change lives. That sounds very crazy, doesn’t it, “a phone call with the potential to change lives?” Let me paint the scene: I had gone over to check on my sister who was home sick. After treating her to juice and medicine, and sending her to bed, my oldest son and I headed over to Walmart to get my tire fixed on my car. The afternoon was windy but my son was in a great mood having spent the night with his cousin and totally immersing him in classic teen boy behavior – nothing illegal, just window shopping and cruising the mall for ladies. He was all smiles telling me about his night. As we were cruising along in my poor car, the donut humming loudly, my phone rang…the other son, wondering when I would be home. Quick confirmation that I would be home close to the normal time set him at ease. Upon arriving at Walmart, we head into the automotive center for the tire repair/replacement, an oil change, and the replacement of a driver’s side wiper. While waiting, my phone rang again…it was the phone call!

The phone was a gent from the US Army (life changer) looking for my youngest son. Being that my youngest son is not yet 18, I let the recruiter know that I have an older son who is 19. My oldest turned on his heel to say “Well who is that?” I told him “An Army recruiter.” The gent wanted to speak to Mike…who took the phone, had a conversation about his plans and goals for himself and after about 20 minutes invited the recruiter to our home for a conversation face to face.

As a mother, it was a proud and slightly daunting moment…we have illusions of certain branches of the military and to me, Army is “boots on the ground.” Mike is a big hearted kid, sensitive beneath that tough exterior of his. With all the talk of PTSD and the dangers that presents to our veterans, I was stopped in my tracks by the idea of this man coming to our house. But I’m so proud, so proud of Mike for considering this option for himself. The recruiter told Mike that he can work and learn in the automotive field, there is the GI Bill option for further schooling, and you’re earning money. Ding Ding Ding!!

And yes the beat goes on, officially tuning for performance Tuesday at 3pm. My son’s life could be greatly altered by a simple phone call. It’s a life changing decision though one I believe many young men can benefit from. The reality of being an Army Mom fills me with hope and excitement for my son’s future but unnerves me just a bit, makes me nervous that his big heart could have to process information that could upset his mind and soul. It’s just a conversation though, which is how I presented it to Mike, but ultimately his final decision to make. For the first time ever, regardless of being the mama, I have to step back from my young man, my young adult, and let him make this decision.

In the spirit of onward and upward, my fingers are crossed and my heart is hopeful. I could “pro & con” this to death but won’t. I simply want my son to make an informed decision, and if that decision involves the military then it does. And if it does not, at least he took the time to explore the opportunity and in an informed voice, says thank you but no.

Green Light = Hope

Having just watched The Great Gatsby with fresh young faces, I am reminded of just how timeless that story is. My 16 year old son sat beside me, reciting his favorite lines, filling in the blanks where the director’s cut lines short. For example, when Nick sees Gatsby reaching toward s the green light at the end of Daisy’s dock, Nick says “He seemed to be reach out for something” which in the book is followed by “minute and far away.” (i.e. visible but just out of reach – my son’s clarification for me!) Hope – always just there, the next goal or dream a flicker but just out of reach, even if just in that moment. I had the strongest sense of connection; my mind began reeling, realizing how true that rings to me, especially right now.
Each of us in our way always sees the shining green light in the distance, and as goals are attained, a new goal/dream/green light shines brightly in the distance. There are days and times when the light seems or feels less pronounced, when a fog or mist or storm rolls in, seemingly blocking it out. Sometimes we get turned around, our internal compass accidentally pointing us in the wrong direction, completely blinding an ability to see or locate that green light. And then, when the storm lifts and the compass is righted, the green light is there once again. It is in those moments when all seems right in the world. Maybe this point of perspective is old news, maybe this is an “Ah ha” moment for me…but the message was so clear that it caught me off guard. (Don’t you love when that happens?) Maybe it’s that for the first time in a long time I can see that green light so perfectly in my own life that the symbolism of it really hit home. I used to call these my “midnight epiphanies” but since it was around 9pm, I can’t this time.
At one point in my life, my hopes and dreams were solely focused inward. Now, my green light shines solely on my boys and the future I can only hope they create for themselves. Today for example, my light was temporarily blocked…my oldest son is really floundering right now. He is 19, the awkward age where you are not technically a “grown up” but you are no longer regarded as a member of the “teenage” group either. For kids who are like me, school was easy, and the transition went smoothly from high school to college to life. For kids like my son who struggled with school, the transition is more difficult. Knowing my son needs some extra help with this, I talked to my supervisor about cutting back my hours at work, temporarily…the goal being to explore options. He needs an advocate to take those entry level steps with him and then, he will be fine…I thought, “I will be that advocate!” (green light thinking) My supervisor recommended FMLA and let me know I would need a note from a doctor about my son’s “condition” and “need for an advocate” to not jeopardize my job. (red light) I explained my scenario again to which she admitted she had misunderstood my request and our initial conversation; saying she understood my goal (green light) but that my weekly hours must be worked to avoid jeopardizing my job. GGRRR! I’m not deterred though and will do whatever I must to ensure my son’s future. While it isn’t my responsibility alone, I know that my hopes and dreams for him probably exceed his own, and he will need to be more engaged to make that happen. For me, the green light is shining brightly, and I won’t be deterred. Onward and upward, moving my son forward. What happened today was a light mist that could have dimmed that green light but instead fueled that intensity for me.
It’s about hope and change, red light green light, mist/storms and sunshine, an internal compass and always reaching for those goals and aspirations. The image during Gatsby was so breathtaking…I had forgotten the beautiful images, real and metaphorical, the lines that resonate, the memories that a simple movie image or line generates. Clearly for me, it was the hope and the horizon, the gap (lake) between what is and what could be, what might’ve been. But it was the promise of the green light, the knowledge of what is to come, and watching my sons reaching out towards that own green lights that really resonated with me. I felt a moment of hope, a moment of promise, a moment of empowerment for my sons and what lay next for them. The green light, just a timeless image…troubling, moving, stirring, and on occasion a little scary, but always there, just there, shining minute and faraway.